The Deep Chair

Every day I feel like I lose a part of you. And by doing so, there is also less of me. I fear the day I’ll lose it all, you, me and the world. I have so much to give, share and love, but more that ever I feel alone. Things fall apart and connected spirits goes away. I cry when I got to bed, and wake up empty. Working full time on distancing myself from everything I can lose, without being able to stop myself. I want to pull you in, not push you away. I want to hug you, hold you, tell you everything is going to be ok, and I want you to do the same for me.

I claim to like being alone because I don’t like to talk to all the boring people out there, but I think there is just as much truth in my fear of finding someone that won’t stay. I love making friends, but hate seeing them leave. A lot of times I try to leave myself, before they get the chance. But most of the time I don’t go out to make friends at all.

So I’ve lost a bit of you, even more of others, and now there is so little left of me. I feel so tiny and alone, like I need you more than ever. I open up my soul and present you everything I have, putting everything on offer. But pleas be kind and read the warning. I’m fragile, don’t break me, I’m already in pieces.

Memento mori or remember you mortality. Most people don’t like to talk about death, and I didn’t use to either. As I wrote in one of my first posts, death is my number one unsettling feeling. The thought of me and my loved ones dying, has kept me up on an uncountable number of nights and made me cry in the strangest settings. But I have come to realize that I can only overcome my fear, by acknowledging and accepting it. To truly live and love, one has to step out of ones comfort zone and confront ones fears.

Fear is tricky. It can disguise itself as being rational but it is not. Noting of value in life will ever come from taking the safe path. It is true that in most situations, you will not be able to predict the outcome of your choice, but avoiding a decision, will neither lead to change. If you have the chance to change your life to the better, it will not until you take that chance. None of us are able to predict exactly what the future will bring, but therein lies the beauty of life.

Would you go on, if you knew what every day of the rest of your life would be like? If there is one thing I’ve come to realize in my life, is that I always land on my feet. No matter how pointless the situation have seemed, depressed I’ve been or dark my future appeared, I’ve always pulled through. And sometimes maybe for the better. Looking back, I can be grateful that so many things did not turn out the way I wanted them to. Life has a strange way of leading you to the places you’re supposed to be.

So do what you love. Don’t procrastinate, life is short and the only way to enjoy it is to do the things that matter to you. Don’t work your ass of for that pay check and that title, if your dream is to travel and write. Don’t push papers in the office mill if you want to be creative. The choice is yours, and you only get out of life as much as you put into it. So don’t settle, and do what you love.

Memento mori is my Carpe diem. It helps me focus on what matters and remember that my time is limited. It’s a warning sign that tells me to not live by other peoples choices or opinions. A quote that frees me from the ridicules of dogma. It helps me be a clown, to laugh and love unconditionally and not take anything for granted. It retains the child in me and fuels my passion for life.

I want to get “All Things Are One” tattooed around my circle tattoo, but I have no idea about what font to go for. Any suggestions?

I wish my dreams where more like my daydreams. For the past 6 months, I haven’t had one decent night of sleep. 3 or 4 hours, is usually what I can manage through a night, and never continuously. It becomes one hour here and half an hour there. On top of that, I have horrible dreams. I wake up sweating, usually with a racing heartbeat and an indescribably sense of fear.  

So why can’t at least my dreams be more like my daydreams? I’m sitting here now, staring out the window. It’s winter, cold, blue and grey. The trees are dead and the sun hardly climbs over the horizon, before it sets again. My nights are uncomfortable and days like this are depressing.

I try to fly away. Send my mind through the window and let my eyes blur out the horizon. Nothing passing through my line of sight, grabs my attention. I’m not here, it’s just a shell. Sounds trigger no reaction, because I’m already gone. I have jumped over mountains and flown over oceans. Lost in the wilderness, it only you and me.

Abandoning the society, one is now free to be. No means of communication, no ads on TV. Two backpacks, a camera and a friendship so strong. I lay my arm around your shoulders, as we gaze up on stars. Oh how I wish we could ponder like this. Forever you answer, it can’t get better than this.

Holding on as long as I can, for this is the best time of day. The computer beeps, the phone rings, a car signs it’s horn and the never-ending humming sound of the air conditioning reappears. It’s winter, cold, blue and grey. The trees are dead and the sun hardly climbs over the horizon, before it sets again. I wish my dreams where more like my daydreams.

I started the new year fairly well. Christmas was over, people went back to where they came from and I felt that I could breathe again. I could feel my daily routine coming back into arms reach and waves of productivity was washing over me. I even stayed inside last weekend, while my friends where drinking beer. (Ok, I was sick, but I didn’t have that urge for alcohol.)

Now, for the past four days, I’ve had drinks every night. On three of them, enough to get drunk. Today I’ve been drooling on that beer in the fridge, and after a couple of rounds here on Tumblr, the only thing on my mind’s been weed.

I’ve tried to be productive, to draw and write. I’ve sat down with a book and seen two films, but my mind keeps drifting towards this fucked up state. Why can’t I just have a sober day and do some work? I thought this year started so nice. I’m a fuck up, daydreaming about being fucked up. Shit!

Our sun can be seen on the sky as a big life providing circle. And at night, another object of the sky, often reflect light down on earth to fight total darkness. Circles have been known since before the beginning of recorded history. A circle is the premise of the wheel, which again the basis for the gear and much of modern civilization. In mathematics, the study of the circle has helped inspire the development of geometry, astronomy, and calculus. And many believed that there was something intrinsically “divine” or “perfect” that could be found in circles.

The circle as a shape can also be found in many other symbols. From old religions to modern day logos, it gives meaning and substance in numerous ways. For instance the Ouroboros, which is an ancient symbol depicting a serpent or dragon eating its own tail, thus creating a circle. The Ouroboros represents the perpetual cyclic renewal of life, the eternal return, and represents the cycle of life, death and rebirth, leading to immortality, as in the phoenix.

Ensō (円相), a Japanese word meaning “circle”, is a concept strongly associated with Zen Buddhism. Ensō is one of the most common subjects of Japanese calligraphy even though it is a symbol (depicted as a circle) and not a character. It symbolizes the Absolute enlightenment, strength, elegance, the Universe, and the void; it can also symbolize the Japanese aesthetic itself. As an “expression of the moment” it is often considered a form of minimalist expressionist art.

Some artists paint the ensō with an opening in the circle, while others complete the circle. For the former, the opening may express various ideas, for example that the ensō is not separate, but is part of something greater, or that imperfection is an essential and inherent aspect of existence. The break can also represent the idea that even everything is considered one, nothing lasts forever. That life has a beginning and an end.

I’ve chosen my ink to represent my values in life, ideas much like the ones above. My circle has no religious meaning. I’m a fact driven atheist with a big interest in stardust and the vacuum of space. I’m in love the beauty of life and the magic of our short lived existence, which I’ve vowed to experience as much as I can.

The circle is not designed by hand, but with smooth geometrical precision, in admiration of science and math. Fields I hold highly, next to history, philosophy and art. The sections and pieces of my illustration, is a reminder of our incompleteness. In short, they represent both our lack of knowledge and how everything is part of something bigger.

A circle is a symbol that can remind us of so much. Represented in so many fields, one can never really explain its complete meaning. Like in life, the cosmos and everything in-between, there is something key we are missing. In math the circle represents the zero, or in other words nothing. And like the Greek philosopher Heraclitus said, opposites cannot exist without each other. One cannot exists without also being able to not. A realization which with we can begin our search for true enlightenment. The circle seems to be the very symbol, giving us clue as to how we can see beyond its own measurements. A fantastic metaphor where all things are one, forever in never.

You! The first thing on my mind. I can’t help it, I can’t stop. Like a 12 year old boy with a crush on the girl on the other side of the room, I feel helpless. You would think that I’m too old for this, that I’ve learned my lessons and would be able to stop. Able to tell my self that what I’m doing is madness.

Sometimes I think I’m half way there. That I’ve been able to convince my self that there will be nothing else. But then you show up at my door. You smile, your words, the corny laugh you do, the one that’s only yours. The way you look, the way you act. What you say and how you are, it all drags me back inn. I’m entrapped by your charm, and I can’t let go.

I wish you nothing but the best, because you’re one of the greatest people I’ve met. I know you think that’s stupid, that I don’t know you or what ever. But I know just enough. I’ll tell you all my secrets, I’ll tell you everything. Just give me a chance to get in closer, to be your best thing.